Yet you still value the things you’ve lost the most. Because the things you’ve lost are still perfect in your head. They never rusted. They never broke. They are made of the memories you once had, which only grow rosier and brighter, day by day. They are made of the dreams of how wonderful things could have been and must never suffer the indignity of actually still existing. Of being real. Of having flaws. Of breaking and deteriorating.

Only the things you no longer have will always be perfect. #iwtfy

I read this a while ago and it hit me… I am human, like you, and I forget things so easily, so quickly, so completely.

As I reread the words the other night the meaning hit me, again, so hard. I idolize you in my mind. I put you on this unreachable pedestal that maybe you don’t belong on. Maybe I would have realized by now if you hadn’t been taken. Part of me knows I would have always been in love with you but maybe that’s not the path my life is supposed to take even though it was the natural one… I donno know. I’m not sure of what’s going to happen. But what I’m sure of, is that you never had a chance in my head to break, or crack, or explode. Our relationship, although deep and long and growing, was so young. In so many ways, it was new and naive. It was pure. I couldn’t think of something that you did wrong. I may kept telling you you did wrong. But I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to the wrong itself. As if you and wrong are two different persons. I kept saying I’ll go away. I’ll leave. But never left. Never gone away. Never thought of it. Never got the courage to let go. Maybe It wouldn’t have worked out? I’ll never know… I donno know. But in my head and heart you’ll always be perfection. I am sure that is wrong somewhere deep down, but it’s true. You are the ultimate perfection to me. I love you. And will always do. You’re the source of my happiness, joy and satisfaction. You’re the one who made me learn how to swim, when I’m drowning. Taught me how to think when I lose my head. And more importantly, taught me how to love. How to feel. How to be sweet and kind. How to smile. How to be human. 

As I read these words again now, I was shocked to find that you will always be that way to me. You never broke, you never cracked, you never exploded. No matter what you did, said or behaved. I get angry at these things but not at you. I get angry in the moment. But soon enough, I forget. I forget very quickly. I forget very very quickly to the extent that I thought I’m having Alzheimer. Alzheimer that I got, just for you. For you to be flawless. For you to be perfect. You never rust in my head and heart. You might have eventually, but you didn’t. So, you won’t. You have the luxury of forever being whole and perfect to me. The thing is… I am not perfect. I mess up big times. I go crazy. I’m flaw-full. And sometimes, hard to handle. Hard to understand. So how could I exist with someone that is destined to be, forever, perfect? I cannot hope to aspire to that. I cannot be that. You may stay in my heart, head, body, soul as a perfect being but I will not let perfection rule me. I need someone to suffer the horrible reality of existing right along with me. With my bad. My flaws. My sins. My craziness. My horribleness. My stupidity. My worst. My sweetness. My wiseness. My thoughtfulness. But I won’t ever find that one. Cause you’re the perfect to me. And the one who loved the perfect, can’t stand the imperfect. So, you got me stuck here. I cannot ever leave your territory. I’m stuck with you forever. All I needed is you to love me the way I am. To handle me in my worst and best. To be understanding. But you cannot do that. You’re too perfect to handle my human nature being. You fed up, easily. You let me go, again. You pushed me to go, again. But I never left. I can’t leave. I’m cursed with your love. For nothing, but you being perfect in my head. But what to say. You’re my perfect. I love you. I’ll always do. Always and forever. And I miss you. Badly.